Saturday, February 28, 2004
Gay marriage and Equal Rights
Yup, that sums it up. If gay marriage is such a big issue, then lets make it the issue that it is. In all rationality, if gay marriage, is to remain illegal and horribly taboo, then I guess we will have to go back to when the country is controlled by rich white landowning men, the entire black population will return to the plantations, and until further notice, unless you are a white man, shut the fuck up and get back in the kitchen, and do my fucking laundry. Legislating morality, as such. Doesn't work. I swear, I live in a population of retards. America, get you head out of your ass, you have no space to go on about morality. You have none. America, you declare war at the top of the hat, and have constructed a society on the very virtue of hatred, corruption and vice. America, I have no shame, except for when I have to say I live here and am one of you. America, please, stop eating shit, stop dying, and take out the trash and look at yourself. I know you were great once, but now, you are a true embarrassment.
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Tuesday, February 24, 2004
If you can find something here to help you, thank you for reading.
Finally, this is all over. I have completed my probation, and I feel a huge, lasting sigh of relief. I feel better. I have found a spiritual program in AA, and have found a good group of people to share ways of keeping sober, and a group of people who have found more constructive ways of dealing with problems and crisis that arise in daily life.
I have learned through all of this, that drinking at my problems, creates nothing but more problems. I cannot get angry or blindly enraged at anything over which I have no control, and must be hopeful, and optimistic, even in the face of some of the worst tragedy. I must just take comfort and solace in the fact that I have only control over my own actions and attitudes towards life and it’s ups and downs. Drinking is not really an option.
I have learned also about addiction and relationships, about how to deal with my own feelings, that there is nothing we have other than those feelings, and that drugs and alcohol offer an escape, but also mask and hide those feelings, so that the user does not have to deal with them. Not dealing with the problems at hand, but rather to hide from and bottle up those feeling causes more damage to a man’s spirit and psyche than anything, and causes nothing more than health problems, relationship problems, all essentially life problems.
I am glad I now at least have the start to some tools to deal with simply being alive, and the knowledge that there are actually thousands, if not millions of people, who although they may not think, or see, or even speak like me, have exactly the same problems, joys, and make the same mistakes I do, and there are only few positive ways of dealing with them. I have now, a good start to turn my life over and make something good happen, as long as I stay sober, helpful, and willing, to do as I feel I have to do. I am not in control. Still haven’t figured out what is, but it’s in an evolution, and what does not flow stagnates. I have no intention on staying still, and no intention of going back into a dark period of my life, but cannot forget, so I won’t repeat myself. I can’t afford, financially or spiritually to end up like this again. I have found a new freedom, and for some reason, I have you to thank. This has been a mostly tough horrible experience, but, sometimes, a sharp kick is what’s needed. Too bad that’s what it takes, but those of us with hard heads need to learn hard lessons.
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I have learned through all of this, that drinking at my problems, creates nothing but more problems. I cannot get angry or blindly enraged at anything over which I have no control, and must be hopeful, and optimistic, even in the face of some of the worst tragedy. I must just take comfort and solace in the fact that I have only control over my own actions and attitudes towards life and it’s ups and downs. Drinking is not really an option.
I have learned also about addiction and relationships, about how to deal with my own feelings, that there is nothing we have other than those feelings, and that drugs and alcohol offer an escape, but also mask and hide those feelings, so that the user does not have to deal with them. Not dealing with the problems at hand, but rather to hide from and bottle up those feeling causes more damage to a man’s spirit and psyche than anything, and causes nothing more than health problems, relationship problems, all essentially life problems.
I am glad I now at least have the start to some tools to deal with simply being alive, and the knowledge that there are actually thousands, if not millions of people, who although they may not think, or see, or even speak like me, have exactly the same problems, joys, and make the same mistakes I do, and there are only few positive ways of dealing with them. I have now, a good start to turn my life over and make something good happen, as long as I stay sober, helpful, and willing, to do as I feel I have to do. I am not in control. Still haven’t figured out what is, but it’s in an evolution, and what does not flow stagnates. I have no intention on staying still, and no intention of going back into a dark period of my life, but cannot forget, so I won’t repeat myself. I can’t afford, financially or spiritually to end up like this again. I have found a new freedom, and for some reason, I have you to thank. This has been a mostly tough horrible experience, but, sometimes, a sharp kick is what’s needed. Too bad that’s what it takes, but those of us with hard heads need to learn hard lessons.
